• AmosBurton_ThatGuy@lemmy.ca
    461·
    5 months ago

    Infinite poop.

    You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell.

    The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can’t free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates.

    The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier.

    The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you’ve broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness.

    The poop accelerates. Forever.

      • davel [he/him]@lemmy.mlEnglish
        12·
        5 months ago

        I’m not really the person to ask when it comes to firsthand experience, but the longer the load hangs out the chute, the more it becomes desiccated, dense, and immotile.

      • klemptor@startrek.website
        2·
        5 months ago

        I was on oxycodone after surgery for 5 days, and I took senna (a stool softener) just like my surgeon told me to. Oh my god the constipation was insane. Like, I had to poop and just nothing would come out. I could not move my bowels. I ended up taking Miralax twice a day for 4 days and that solved the problem…a little too well. It went from completely stopped up to faucet anus with no stop in between.

        Do not fucking recommend.

      • tiredofsametab@kbin.run
        2·
        5 months ago

        Two to three meals a day, almost no snacks, generally a decent amount of fiber. Mom’s basically the same and I think grandmother was. Mom has been diagnosed with various forms of IBS. Dad has Celiac’s and a DNA test I took said increased risk.

        If I go keto, almost all the issues disappear. Trying to do that is basically impossible whilst living with my wife because I can’t just not make food and not keep anything I shouldn’t eat in the house (my willpower eventually crumbles when I’m busy or stressed).