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You were the adult in your nephews life that was nice to him unconditionally. I had a father very similar to how you’ve described your brother and he almost drove me to suicide but I got lucky.
Your brother should live and swim in guilt, not you. You did everything an uncle could and all of this was out of your control.
This is a sad situation and I’m really sorry it has happened to you. You are a good person.
Thanks, and while true, I still could have persisted in talking to those kids, and maybe he would have talked about whatever it was that was killing him.
Going only off this post for context:
I’ve learned that depression will make me retroactively look at my past and keep wondering if I could have done anything different, and that the fact that I didn’t do things differently means that I wasted all that time. It’s been an uphill battle figuring out to let go of that and acknowledge the past as it is. I know, for me at least, accepting that hasn’t been easy and I still need to work on it. I can’t speak to your experience nor make any judgements for it as we are obviously different people with different histories.
However, ultimate responsibility for your nephew’s well-being is 99% on your brother, assuming he feels any remorse to begin with, and your nephew’s mother.
You’re asking what if, the next thing which you probably are already thinking of is what now? That, I have no clue, and will end up being whatever is most reasonable for you and your family. Your parents are supportive so they might be willing to discuss next steps in dealing with your brother. I think it’s important to discuss with the rest of your family as well about intervening steps to cut your brother’s access to the family, his children more so. Given that your nephew committed suicide already means that the home environment probably isn’t ideal for the other kids and they might not have enough time between now and whenever they’re 18 to keep dealing with it.
Assuming your brother isn’t a lost cause it might be beneficial to have an intervention or see if you can convince him to seek psychiatric and therapeutic help.
If not, then getting him as far as possible from everyone else is probably a potential next step to minimize the amount of damage he is able to inflict.
Seems like solid advice, and yes I worry about what may have happened/be happening in my brother’s home, given his history of abuse. My parents are aware that he has issues, but I feel like it’s hard for them since he’s their son. It’s frustrating because my niece was my nephew’s only sibling and is still around, and I don’t know of any legal or effective means to keep her away, but I’ll do what I can.
Might ask a lawyer for a 1 time consultation, it’ll probably end up being free or discounted given it’s just a consultation and not them taking you on as a client
Hoping for the best
This post aged me a few years. I’m sorry about your nephew, he sounded sweet and was probably delt a very shitty hand. Regardless, I’m glad you still did your best, even if it was from a distance.
First of all, don’t feel guilty over your nephew’s death, it’s not your fault. You were trying to respect your brothers wishes and you couldn’t have known what your nephew was going through. You can’t blame yourself for his death, you were only trying to do the right thing and that’s what counts.
Unfortunately, if you had tried to be part of your nephew’s life without your brother’s consent you might have gotten into a world of trouble otherwise, so really, don’t beat yourself up about that.
That said, it’s unbelievably tragic what happened to your nephew and I’m so sorry for your loss! It sounds like you were a really great uncle and he valued the time he got to spend with you!
I know it’s hard to turn the other cheek, but maybe if you have the time and patience you should reach out to your brother and try to be a comfort to him in this time despite his hatred towards you in the past. I think some group therapy would be in order for you and your brother, or just your brother and his family.
It’s so hard to move past the death of a family member, but if you take the time and are honest with each other, you can come out the other side stronger than before.
I can’t describe how my heart dropped into my stomach when I read the last paragraph. You were a fantastic uncle to your nephew, and the guilt should not sit with you (though that is easier said than done). In life, I can only imagine they were grateful for the relationship they had with you, even if it was from a distance after that incident.
Consider therapy, if this is weighing heavily on you. Consider encouraging anyone else you think might be affected by this, to consider therapy. If appropriate, perhaps consider seeing if you can close the gap with your niece, but I understand you may not want to rock the boat when things are unstable.
Don’t forget to love eachother. Don’t forget to love yourself.
We will never have as much control as we might want over the tragedies of the world. What I would suggest is for you to answer the questions you asked at least and at most once. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it.
Do it for yourself. They say writing by hand is best. What would you have done differently? What do you wish you could have done? What would you tell your nephew? What would you tell your past self?
What would you have done differently? What do you wish you could have done?
Probably stayed a little longer, at least sat in the same room as my niece and nephew, not left to dodge the situation. Especially as they got into their teens, I feel like they had more autonomy. I know it was because of my brother, but there was part of me that just stubbornly wasn’t going to entertain them because of all the hurtful things he said. I could have at least worked on overcoming that part of myself, since it ultimately wasn’t their fault. It shouldn’t have impacted them. It had to impact them because of my brother, but maybe not to that extent.
What would you tell your nephew?
I’d tell him, “You know how it is,” and I think he did. He was smart, and he knows what his father was like. I heard him tell my brother he has anger issues. I don’t know if I’d even say that, though. I could have called him on his birthday, I still can do that with my niece. I will. I don’t know if one really has to say things to kids, do we? Just be there, I think. When I think about my aunts and uncles, I don’t remember specific things they said – it’s more just like they were there, and I knew it.
I think you are in the right path by seeing a way forward both for yourself and and in relation to your niece. Also, sometimes it’s important to be explicit and say whatever may be necessary. Just saying you’ll be there for the people in need might be an opening they can explore in the future. Mostly, be open.
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It does in my opinion. Put an “OK?” at the end so they can confirm. Just so they don’t see it as a meaningless offer.
I don’t know if one really has to say things to kids, do we? Just be there, I think.
Kids are people, you definitely have to say things. The less often you see them, the more important is what you say, it’s the only words they’ll remember from you, and think of you based on them (source: was a kid once, had family scattered all over the world whom I rarely met).
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Just think back to when you were a kid, what would you talk about?
It was probably school (favorite subject, worst teacher), friends (and non-friends), interests/hobbies, and maybe you’d listen to any weird story told by someone you had some family/mentor relation with.
story time
“When I was your age, we had no laptops, but one day I got this new set of 36 color marker pens for geography class, and this kid of the ‘no kids left behind’ group who was a nuisance to everyone but kind of had fixated on me that year, just sat in the desk in front of mine, took the whole set from me, and when I asked her to give it back, she started throwing them back… piece by piece: cap, ink sponge, outer case, one by one, filling my whole notebook, desk, and everything in ink… while the teacher wasn’t looking. I used to have a lot of patience, but when she got to about half of them, I finally had enough, grabbed her by the scruff like you’d do with a kitten, pushed to the floor, sat on her, and said ‘quit it!’, then let go when she stopped squirming. The whole class looked at the scene dumbfounded, teacher included. They let me pick up and reassemble the markers before having a talk. Had a separate talk with my mom… who later told me the teacher said ‘finally, someone had the guts to do something about her!’. There was no punishment. Curiously, she calmed a lot after that, and we became sort of friends by the end of that year. I learned she lived alone with her grandma, because there was some problem with her parents, poor kid.”
“Do you guys still throw wet wads of toilet paper to the ceilings of the bathrooms, so they stick like stalagmites?” (wait and see if they correct you)
“Don’t run with scissors, I got my lower lip pierced that way [proceeds to show scar]”
“Say, what do you kids do these days for fun? Hope you no longer burn ants with a lens on sunny days. We had to run like hell when we set a pile of leaves on fire by accident.”
…y’know, I bet you can find some relatable stuff from when you were a kid. Many things have changed, many have not, but they’ll often correct you and call you an old fart or whatever, just be ready to take it in stride.
Or learn about their hobbies and ask them about that, people of all ages like for others to hear them talk about their favorite subjects, and you might either learn something or have a chance to engage in a shared interest.
Also, use active listening:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening
(this applies to all ages, but kids are particularly used to adults dismissing them and just telling them what to do, so by just actually listening you’ll already stand out)
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I’m sorry to hear that, but if you have any chance of living your own life… stay away from "what if"s, they’ll eat you alive and you can do nothing about them.
As others have said, if you want to do something about your niece, go ahead and do it the legal way. Still be prepared for a shit storm if you go that way; I would suggest trying to do something anonymously in a way that your brother doesn’t find out it was you, but if your niece’s safety worries you, and you yourself have a safety net to fall back onto, then by all means go all in.
