A dead mouse to my doorstep. I don’t even own a cat, they just really like me for some reason. I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Not received, but given…

One Christmas, I was truly skint. No way I could afford to buy even half eddecent pressies for everyone, so I decided to buy the worst presents I could find instead. I found a £1 shop that was having a ‘25% off’ sale. I bought my vegetarian sister in law a glue based mouse trap, I bought my dad some cleaning spray for car seat leather (his car had fabric seats), I got my brother a feather duster.

On Christmas eve I laid the groundwork by saying, “I didn’t have a lot to work with this year, but I think I’ve done pretty well!”.

On Christmas morning, I asked to give out ny presents first and bigger them up again with ,“I put anlot of thought into this and I think you’re all going to be very happy!”. I gave out the presents and watching them open them with an expectant, wide eyed grin, like “I did good, right?”.

It went perfectly. A slight awkward pause while they checked my expectant face, then everyone burst out laughing. They loved the joke, we were all happy. I have fonder memories of that morning than other times when I was able to give out actually good presents.

Not my story, but too comedic not to tell. Used to wash dishes with a guy, really cool dude, his stepfather was the head chef for multiple successful restaurants in the area including the one we worked at. Everybody else in the family is able to get whatever the hell they want for free. Shit, even managers got like $500 in gift cards to give to their family for free. But my dishwashing friend got a $20 gift card to the restaurant we worked at from his stepdad.

My big present when I turned 10 was a weedwacker and new chores.

when i was 16 my mother and sister both pitched in to buy me … a shaver. I didn’t even fucking have facial hair. they bought one that was ridiculously overpriced. I could’ve gotten a Playstation 2 for the ridiculous amount they paid but instead they got me this dumb fucking appliance that I don’t think I even used ONCE.

still can’t grow a beard for shit to this day though…

what’s worse is, they took me fucking shopping for it lying to my goddamn face telling me it was for my dad. I made it as clear as humanly possible at the time that this was a pointless, stupid farce of a plan because HE WAS TRYING TO GROW A BEARD AT THE TIME. They kept looking at each other with this stupid smug expression while pointlessly trying to draw me into the discussion about what shaver would be best for him.

When they revealed that it was actually for me,

sigh

…I didn’t blow up at them or anything, I didn’t pitch a fit or throw a tantrum, I just…

look. I knew, even back then, it’s a dick move to look a gift horse in the mouth. it’s a present. i’m supposed to be grateful. the least i could do is be diplomatic about it.

But that did not change the fact that they had every opportunity to listen to me, but chose not to. They made a big performative display of acting like they actually cared, but when it came to making decisions and taking courses of action that would have resulted from actually caring, they did not. And that just felt hypocritical to me. Forever.

I was 9 years old. It was Christmas. My aunt and uncle got me a chocolate orange. I dont like chocolate.

A 200 page tome filled with questionable arguments for the veracity of his religion written by my grandfather after he got cancer. I did give it a chance and read through large portions of it (minus a large section on a theory he had regarding the location of the mythical events in the religion). It was… Unfortunately poor.

Then it was a balance of not trying to tear apart one of his proudest pieces of work and not pretend I believed it until he passed away.

Yes, for those guessing - - I grew up Mormon and that is the religion in question.

My ex used to do the Homer Simpson trick and gift me things he wanted for himself. Often it was something he knew I didn’t want.

For example, I didn’t want a laptop in the house. The kids were younger and it would be harder to monitor their internet usage if they were on a laptop versus the desktop I had purposely set up in a spot where we could easily glance at the screen when they were on it. (This was before tablets and smart phones were common.)

Also, I didn’t want a laptop because I’m a huge nerd who will lose hours to the computer if it’s in my lap comfortably on the couch rather than at a desk. I knew this about myself and was trying to limit my internet usage.

Also, we were broke and struggling to pay bills, and a laptop was an unnecessary luxury.

He talked about getting a laptop for months and months. I kept arguing against it. So of course, that was my Christmas gift from him that year.

Normally how it went was that he would gift me something and then after a few months, it would just magically become his (he gifted me a nice car stereo one time and after a few months just upped and put it in his car, for example). I knew that was his plan… I was so fed up that I used the shit out of that laptop out of pure spite… Didn’t share the password… Put it away every night I went to bed… Took it with me when I traveled without him…

Anyway. Nothing shittier than receiving a Homer Simpson bowling ball.

A self help / “how to be successful” book for my birthday from my parents. It wasn’t even that good – it had typos and grammatical errors all over. I was in my early-mid 20s. My dad made me read a chapter every week (and take notes) and then he’d go over it with me. Eventually he stopped forcing me to read it because I put up too much of a fight.

Nothing says “I love you” like being reminded your parents see you as a failure.

There’s a reason I’m in therapy…

I received a large framed portrait of myself. No mater where I hang that I’m going to look like a narcissist.

life

A fucking android tablet. The worst one on the market: even a browser would lag opening the simplest pace.

But i was able to install Gentoo linux on it and hack enough to have fun. It was still pretty much unusable tough.