I understand that the whole “do you want a solution or to just talk about it” is well intentioned, but even if what I want is the latter now that you’ve asked me that I would feel worse for just trying to bring it up to talk about it. It’s hard to justify I guess, but the statement feels condescending when you are in that socially vulnerable position.
Edit: I have attempted to explain this further below, but again, it can be hard for me to understand why I feel a certain way and I don’t understand how others can easily.
I think you’re unintentionally reading/framing this in the condescending key. The way you rephrased it it does sound condescending, but in the screenshot it’s mostly just silly and caring. You might be too on guard here
…now that you’ve asked me that I would feel worse for just trying to bring it up to talk about it
Why would you feel worse? If that’s what you need, just ask. There’s no point in hiding your feelings from the people you want to spend time with, unless you want to create unnecessary misunderstandings.
I didn’t say it makes sense, it’s hard to justify feelings all the time, but I can give it a go. Perhaps we can work out why I think this way. These are guesses, I don’t know the root cause.
It can sound kind of arrogant I guess, like that person can solve something you can’t. It also sounds emotionless and robotic when they say it.
It could also sound like if you don’t want a solution then your complaining is less valid. With a partner you trust I suppose this might not be true, but with some friends I have they would immediately switch off if it’s the latter I guess.
And a much more simple guess - most of the time I just don’t know which one of those I want, and I haven’t got to that stage yet. I find it very difficult to pinpoint why I get certain emotions and what I want to do with them, that whole process doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t understand why all these other replies seem to be able to do that and are saying it’s my fault. Perhaps this is a spectrum thing.
IDK if the thing will suit you, but therapy helped me to process and talk more openly about my feelings, so situations like the one mentioned above can be dealt in a less “awkward” way
I’m not really sure what that specific term means, but I do know that if you spend a few hours planning for, acquiring ingredients for and preparing a recipe it can be quite disappointing if it doesn’t work out and I don’t think that necessarily means you need to “see a therapist” haha.
Lol I know what shawarma is, it’s that thing you slice meat off of that goes in kebabs. I meant I wasn’t sure specifically what socially vulnerable means
This is what I do. If I don’t want solutions, I always start with “This is just a rant, I don’t need solutions, but…”
Usually that exact quote, so it’s completely unambiguous. If I didn’t start with something like that, 99% chance I’ll be okay with presented solutions.
So you’re saying that they need to break up and never speak to each other ever again and that she needs to get a restraining order?? That a quite extreme
Some people jump to problem solving immediately when they find out about a problem. Others will sit and contemplate how they are feeling about a problem.
This text sounds like a compromise that has been worked out because she was getting frustrated that he just jumps into problem solving when all she wants to hear is affirmation of her feelings. He’s still got work to do, but he’s clearly trying.
Source: this is exactly a conversation my wife and I had
Exactly the same for me.
When my wife had a problem, I always started to solve it. “Okay, did you do this and that? Tomorrow we’ll try x. Maybe if we call X” etc.-
I needed to learn for months not to do it at the beginning of our relationship. She said she just needed to rant, to talk about it and didn’t want a solution.
Which, given that I’m an engineer, is very difficult to do. I don’t really see problems as problems, mostly just tasks that need solution.
I understand that the whole “do you want a solution or to just talk about it” is well intentioned, but even if what I want is the latter now that you’ve asked me that I would feel worse for just trying to bring it up to talk about it. It’s hard to justify I guess, but the statement feels condescending when you are in that socially vulnerable position.
Edit: I have attempted to explain this further below, but again, it can be hard for me to understand why I feel a certain way and I don’t understand how others can easily.
I think you’re unintentionally reading/framing this in the condescending key. The way you rephrased it it does sound condescending, but in the screenshot it’s mostly just silly and caring. You might be too on guard here
Why would you feel worse? If that’s what you need, just ask. There’s no point in hiding your feelings from the people you want to spend time with, unless you want to create unnecessary misunderstandings.
I didn’t say it makes sense, it’s hard to justify feelings all the time, but I can give it a go. Perhaps we can work out why I think this way. These are guesses, I don’t know the root cause.
It can sound kind of arrogant I guess, like that person can solve something you can’t. It also sounds emotionless and robotic when they say it.
It could also sound like if you don’t want a solution then your complaining is less valid. With a partner you trust I suppose this might not be true, but with some friends I have they would immediately switch off if it’s the latter I guess.
And a much more simple guess - most of the time I just don’t know which one of those I want, and I haven’t got to that stage yet. I find it very difficult to pinpoint why I get certain emotions and what I want to do with them, that whole process doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t understand why all these other replies seem to be able to do that and are saying it’s my fault. Perhaps this is a spectrum thing.
IDK if the thing will suit you, but therapy helped me to process and talk more openly about my feelings, so situations like the one mentioned above can be dealt in a less “awkward” way
If shawarma falling apart makes you socially vulnerable maybe you should be seeing a therapist.
Let’s keep in mind the context and the relative severity of the situation here.
I’m not really sure what that specific term means, but I do know that if you spend a few hours planning for, acquiring ingredients for and preparing a recipe it can be quite disappointing if it doesn’t work out and I don’t think that necessarily means you need to “see a therapist” haha.
It’s similar to a burrito.
Lol I know what shawarma is, it’s that thing you slice meat off of that goes in kebabs. I meant I wasn’t sure specifically what socially vulnerable means
I have friends that know to clarify for me. They’ll just drop in “I’m just venting” or say they’re not looking for a solution.
This is what I do. If I don’t want solutions, I always start with “This is just a rant, I don’t need solutions, but…”
Usually that exact quote, so it’s completely unambiguous. If I didn’t start with something like that, 99% chance I’ll be okay with presented solutions.
I think this is a good approach too
So you’re saying, if he really cared about her, he’d know?
No, this was not what I meant
So you’re saying that they need to break up and never speak to each other ever again and that she needs to get a restraining order?? That a quite extreme
FYI that’s definitely a you thing.
Some people jump to problem solving immediately when they find out about a problem. Others will sit and contemplate how they are feeling about a problem.
This text sounds like a compromise that has been worked out because she was getting frustrated that he just jumps into problem solving when all she wants to hear is affirmation of her feelings. He’s still got work to do, but he’s clearly trying.
Source: this is exactly a conversation my wife and I had
Exactly the same for me. When my wife had a problem, I always started to solve it. “Okay, did you do this and that? Tomorrow we’ll try x. Maybe if we call X” etc.- I needed to learn for months not to do it at the beginning of our relationship. She said she just needed to rant, to talk about it and didn’t want a solution. Which, given that I’m an engineer, is very difficult to do. I don’t really see problems as problems, mostly just tasks that need solution.