Don’t look away. RIP Phillip.

Putting the Shit in ShittyLifeProTips.

At my old school we never entered someone’s rectum without consent.

All the other male cranes’ instincts: “How is she with him?”

Walnut’s instincts: “You’re weird AF, but I’m 100% sure we aren’t cousins. Let’s roll the dice on genetic fitness of offspring.”

Maybe it can barely run a web browser because it’s working so hard spying on you?

… And make Ottawa pay for it? #TrumpNorth

Truly the “Kings Cup” of animals.

Remember when banks were allowed to weaken regulation and move towards self-assessing risk and capital adequacy levels?

If they shut down taco bell it becomes the flag of the Fascist Neo-Confederacy of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

As far as I can tell? No, but I just did a search of the onimbus for some keywords. The mental image feels very Adamsish though, doesn’t it? I may have unconsciously plagiarized it from somewhere. Props to you if you can find the source. Maybe it’s a Pratchettian quote? Or Giamanic?

When given a robot voice, all it learned how to do was scream endlessly.

Hit that dirty birdie.

Housing problem solved?

Wait, can everyone else here actually throw a ball?

Wrong, the grass enslaved humanity. It was like “I hear wheat is doing well, I wanna get a hominid slave species that will protect me from pests and propagate my genetic line whilst literally clearing away all competing plants for miles.”

And corn got their slaves, and as the plant relaxed over successive generations they grew more bready and delicious because the only predator eating them was also ensuring their monocrop dominance so get fat and whatever who cares!

Seems like we’re overdue.