Dude, yesterday I heard a radio ad promoting “vintage alternative” music and it was fucking “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers.

Vintage.

I wanted to throw my geriatric elder Millennial ass through my windshield.

Honestly, it’s been so long I’m not sure I can even differentiate anymore.

This is the kind of magazine page that 90s-kid-me would stare at for hours fantasizing over. Even looking at it now, it’s surprisingly easy for me to ignore the objective technical limitations and get hyped.

Side note: can we talk about that 1ST PC GUN on the mid-left there? Dude…

Oh, great. It’s the Wind Waker Triforce shards all over again.

Better start collecting charts…

I instinctively read that in Homestar Runner’s voice.

For the people who are still alive!

Onward, men! Full sails to the horizon! On my oath, we’ll make it to Ikeland by morning!

Oh, there will be Ikes as far as the eye can see, I tell you! Tall Ikes, short Ikes, God-fearing Ikes! Our coffers will overflow with the abundance of Ikes!

You who would doubt me, who would claim the impossibility of such a paradise, you cowards who hide from ambition and surround yourselves with the petty offerings of Steve Island or David Cove, why you would not know how to handle the Ikes of Ikeland!

But I am a man of greater mettle, and I will know this new land.

Raise the anchor. The Ikes await.

…ah-tah?

Yeah, kinda hard to ignore those themes in a game whose antagonist is a deliberate gender-swap of Ayn Rand.

Have you seen what’s down there? It’s terrifying.

You don’t have to tell me. Deep down at the bottom of the ocean? The whole place is crawling with…capitalists.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Andrew Ryan gave us all the big, shiny speech, “sweat of your brow” and all that, but what’s he got down there now? Just a buncha junkies and opportunists running guns and peeling off all of that pretty art deco veneer.

Thanks but no thanks, Ryan.

37?!?!?

glances into mirror

Oh.

Right.

…Shit.

Hakuna oblongata.

Hell yeah.

I really like that the dinosaur is labeled and defined in that diagram.

My immediate thought as well.

Jolly Roger Bay, all day.