“woke” is now just a dog whistle that tells you the person saying it is a bigoted shithead.

Whatever you do don’t mix it up with your interstellar suspended animation pod.

Is it too late to drown myself in napalm?

It’s been wonky lately. Maybe it’s just drunk?

Now I’m glad I never bought an LG TV.

Oh course. A lot of extroverts conflate fame with healthy interpersonal relationships.

Everyone should own one of these.

Literally: “It’s their fault for showing everyone proof of this shitty things I did.”

Learning an alien language is what computers and experts are for. It’s not easy, but it should be doable. See also https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OpoWJbo7oM

Hey when they can build radio antennas then they can talk to the aliens. Until then they can go play at the beach.

Yeah, with even more sunlight.

laughs in Ukrainian

The sun is the male of its species, and it’s appearance is bright and flashy, used to attract a mate. Unfortunately there’s no female stars nearby. So the poor, stupid thing has spent billions of years courting Jupiter instead.

But not only is Jupiter a whole different species, it already has a mate - Saturn. You can easily tell that Jupiter’s the male because of its own flashy coloration. Plus, you can even see the ring it gave Saturn when they got married, as well as it’s own much more modest wedding ring.

No, that’s because the Democrats placed sanctions on the original, oil fueled sun. They were bought it by Big Solar, but the GOP’s corporate paymasters want to resume the oil exports, but they can’t so long as the embargo is in place, which means Big Solar stole their monopoly.

So that’s why the solar wind blows inward, eh?

Republicans, Putin, Netanyahu - they’re an students of the game.

Secret organizations? Well I guess that rules out Boeing.